What if I was dead? The "Unsuccessful-suicide" note

How do I feel right now?
A) Contented
B) Blessed
C) Propitious
D) All of the above
Answer? D.
I am very happy today. More than happy.
Reasons? Too many
But you know what is it that I think about on this joyous day? I am thinking what if I were dead right now? What if I had killed myself that day when I wanted to? What if I had given up when I so much wanted to? And what if I didn't wake up next day when I so much did not want to?

Unlike all other what ifs that we keep weighing in our heads each day, these what ifs have an answer
The answer is that I would have missed out on this day.
I would not have seen the day when I am carefree, gleeful, strong and almost euphoric.. I was the person I loathed the most back then..
I am the person I love the most today!
What changed? Wrong question.
Who changed? Much awaited question..
 I did
Dear tearful pain stricken poor little girl aka past "ME" I am thankful to you for you took that chance on the present "ME"..
For you took a chance on another day then another then another, persistently, when you did not want to.. I can still remember you vividly, sitting on the corner of bed contemplating that maybe you should die.
Thinking how you could kill yourself and make it look like an accident.
And you looked around and all you saw was disappointments, dead ends, despair and crushed visions that you once held dear for your future.
And then your mother walked in. With that pale face and a blank look you tried to escape her eyes and she told you a joke your father told her. Laughing. You didn't hear the joke.. You saw her laugh and wondered just how beautiful she looks when she laughs. You would have looked like her if you had lived till her age. Then you thought why the hell is she laughing? She has sacrificed every day of her life for her family and now when you go it is going to collapse ..and she is laughing.
And then you thought of your father. He is the unfortunate one. Life has been unfair to him and he could never get what he deserved. Came from a poor family struggled his way up to this day where he lives each day just to keep you warm and contented.
He called you to the dining table.
You were so angry with them because they interrupted you. You had long lost your appetite for food.. for everything!
'Who cares about this fucking dinner'..
But you went anyway and you saw your little sister smiling and laughing at the same joke. She is bullied each day at the school. She is neither very pretty nor very smart. She has not many friends.. Not any friends maybe.
You are all she has got.. And she is smiling too.
Why?
Why are all these people happy
They have so much to be upset about. Even if it not as much as you have..I mean well look at you ..You are a mess- a pathetic miserable mess.
But these people are smiling
Smiling through their fights in life.

Because they are all in it together.

This one hour of togetherness that they share at the end of the day is the reason why they live, why they smile, why they want to wake up to another day despite of how much f***ed up their lives are.
And you thought  'Girl if you leave now you will snatch this away from them'
When they will again sit together on this dining table the next evening without you, they will not laugh.
They will never smile the same.
They will only sit there trying to gulp the food and take in the silence and occasionally stare at that chair which is yours today.
You don't have the right to take this smile away from them.
You cant do this do them.

And so...
You have to wake up each day no matter how hard it is, no matter how sick at heart you feel and no matter how much you hate it.
You have to 'survive'. So they can 'live'.

And then the decision was made.
No questions asked.
Your love for them was stronger than your pain.

So dear present "ME" it is because of that woebegone slash courageous girl, I am alive.
This beautiful day is not mine. It's hers. She chose to wait for this day. She took a chance to try what pulling oneself together feels like. She took a chance on life.



So now if someone asks me what is the best decision I made in this lifetime, I would say "It was when I chose to not die, it was when I chose life"