Alone is what I have

Is it a curse to feel too much? Or is it blessing? For people who feel everything that happens to them on a level that only a few others can comprehend. Do you think I would have been better off if only I felt a little less? If only I perceived things a little less. If I could see things that surround me like somethings that slide away without me trying to absorb just as bigger a piece I can out it. Will I better off if I couldn’t see a beautiful story in the eyes of everyone I meet? If we were all blessed or cursed with this talent of reading more than what meets the eye when we see the little things people do, would it have made life easier or more difficult?

When I had to let go of something that I hold so close to my heart did I let go of something that was in return holding me so tight that feel tied down to it?

What is it about freedom? It’s like a drug. It’s like that first love. Once you taste it everything else seems so shallow. Nothing feels intense anymore. The ecstasy that freedom brings is addictive.

Can you become a prisoner of the freedom in itself? Once you have known what it is to free, what it is to find solace in knowing that you have absolutely nothing to wait for, to wish for, to stop yourself for, do you get trapped in that too? You never want to give up on that anymore. There is a relief in letting things not becoming a part of your soul, or letting everything be such an intrinsic part of your soul that while you have all of that you know you own none of that. None of that is yours to claim, to walk to up to anytime you want, to hold on to for as long as you want.

Once you are there it’s a balance you can’t articulate. No matter how much you try to enunciate it to someone, they will never understand it. You feel unsure if you totally understand it yourself. When you throw yourself out of everything that feels home and everything that protects you, you know you stand somewhere unperturbed with anything that can possibly touch you. This feeling then protects you. Standing alone is what feels like home. You belong to everyone but you belong to no one. When people walk in your life trying to occupy spaces you created around you - the vacuum that starts to define you, you don’t want these people, do you? You don’t want them to take away whatever made you feel like you are going make it through. The freedom that you derived from letting go of everything that you ever wanted is the freedom that is now keeping you from holding onto anything that you might not want to let go of later.

‘I am maybe a prisoner of my freedom. In this liberation is a tranquility I can’t trade for anything in the world. I don’t want to find solace in the presence of another human being ever again, I don’t want to crave for the warmth of another soul. Isn’t all this a trap again? In all the efforts to be free I realize I am not free again.’

It’s a beautiful experience when you finally understand just how transient everything is. How fleeting the meaning of every word that someone says to you is. It is a consciousness of a release that defines you. It protects you. It makes you feel like your soul is flying in the small little universe that you have created or found inside of you. ‘If I let them in, they will take that away from me.’ You will have to look for a new definition of yourself. You know you don’t fear defining yourself each day with something new. Something unapparent. Maybe you just don’t want that definition to have an element you can’t totally understand.  That you can’t totally see through. An element that is not you. That is someone else. That someone else owns or controls. You want to share your universe with them but like they are someone who aren’t here to stay. Like someone who will walk in without really taking up a place in the vacuum around you and when they leave you, it will never leave a space that needs to filled, a space that they had started to own.

You know all that you want to say to them is ‘I will want none of this universe to be yours to own. It is all mine. It is all me.’